Ten tips on surviving the heatwave
sneak peak: ten tips on surviving the heatwave that is currently baking the UK
Let's not beat about the proverbial bush (that's now been burned to a crisp by the blazing sunshine). You've read the title, you know what this is. For the sake of efficiency and because I'm so sweaty that even the small movements of typing are too much, let's cut to the chase.
1. Stand in front of a gigantic fan. Don't be afraid of hogging it - it's a dog eat dog world. Just stand there and absorb the coolness.
2. Get in a fridge à la the cast of Friends (you know what I'm talking about).
3. Get in a freezer (for when the fridge won't cut it).
4. Do nothing. Just sit still and let the sweat pool in areas you don't normally sweat in, and then be simultaneously astonished by and resigned to it.
5. Come to my office because people love the air conditioning so much that I have actual goosebumps from the cold when it is 37 degrees outside. (Please don't actually come to my office.)
6. Chain-eat ice lollies. You'll just have to accept the inevitable ice lolly dribble that goes down the stick then down your hand then down your arm and then pools on the floor until you flood out the office. Yes, that's how many ice lollies you will need to consume to stay cool.
7. Research the impact of humans on the environment and realise that we are wholly to blame for this and it is actually terrifying and we need to address and act on it right about now. Whoops, got real for a sec there.
8. Leave. Escape. Just go somewhere at least one degree colder. Look out, penguins, here I come.
9. Put your moisturiser in the fridge (and then on your face). (This one is an actual genuine piece of advice and although it will only be effective for about two minutes, it makes for a very nice two minutes.)
10. Give up and melt.
Adieu, I am boiling, and am now going to attempt to sleep in my sauna of a bedroom.
Let's not beat about the proverbial bush (that's now been burned to a crisp by the blazing sunshine). You've read the title, you know what this is. For the sake of efficiency and because I'm so sweaty that even the small movements of typing are too much, let's cut to the chase.
1. Stand in front of a gigantic fan. Don't be afraid of hogging it - it's a dog eat dog world. Just stand there and absorb the coolness.
2. Get in a fridge à la the cast of Friends (you know what I'm talking about).
3. Get in a freezer (for when the fridge won't cut it).
4. Do nothing. Just sit still and let the sweat pool in areas you don't normally sweat in, and then be simultaneously astonished by and resigned to it.
5. Come to my office because people love the air conditioning so much that I have actual goosebumps from the cold when it is 37 degrees outside. (Please don't actually come to my office.)
6. Chain-eat ice lollies. You'll just have to accept the inevitable ice lolly dribble that goes down the stick then down your hand then down your arm and then pools on the floor until you flood out the office. Yes, that's how many ice lollies you will need to consume to stay cool.
7. Research the impact of humans on the environment and realise that we are wholly to blame for this and it is actually terrifying and we need to address and act on it right about now. Whoops, got real for a sec there.
8. Leave. Escape. Just go somewhere at least one degree colder. Look out, penguins, here I come.
9. Put your moisturiser in the fridge (and then on your face). (This one is an actual genuine piece of advice and although it will only be effective for about two minutes, it makes for a very nice two minutes.)
10. Give up and melt.
Adieu, I am boiling, and am now going to attempt to sleep in my sauna of a bedroom.
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| is that a vegan magnum I spy? |
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