If my dog could text

 sneak peak: a poem imagining what my dog and I would text about; mad, I know

If my dog could text, here is what she'd say.
She'd send me all her thoughts, every moment of every day.
And if I didn't reply to her IMMEDIATELY, right away-
She'd send a head-tilt selfie with her expression of dismay.

If my dog could text, she'd ask where I had gone.
I'd say "I'm running errands - promise I won't be long."
She'd say "You should have brought me with you! 'No dogs in shops' - it's just not on.
Maybe I'll take up howling, and sing a doleful song."

If my dog could text, I'd never be alone.
She'd say "See you so soon! What time will you be home?"
I'd tell her "Not far now! Ten minutes, according to my phone.
I'll go via the supermarket and bring you a stinky bone."

If my dog could text, she'd send all sorts of stuff.
A photo of a squirrel - very blurry, mostly fluff.
"Did you catch it?" I would ask. "Nearly! But it flounced off in a huff.
I'm not sure if you know, but catching squirrels is really tough."

If my dog could text, I'd ask what she was doing.
"I've learned to open the back door, and now I'm in the garden pooing."
A comedian! Who would have thought that all this time she was eschewing
Modern tech, she was in fact perfecting a tight five for previewing.

If my dog could text, I'd send her loads of memes -
Videos of greyhounds looking possessed whilst having dreams.
Or a tutorial for doing 'paw' which - for pointy dogs - is harder than it seems
(Without a tasty treat in hand, she won't lift one toe bean).

If my dog could text, she might pre-warn me to forgive
Her for consuming an actual thermometer, and massacring the sieve. (Not really, that one was only for the rhyme, but she did massacre two silicone baking mats)
She'd punctuate my days with little missives, and I would give
Anything to reply to her with "I love you too, Olive."

my dog, who (to my knowledge) cannot text

*This photo is mine. Please do not use it without my consent.*